Ump Words

"Your next word is 'ump.''
-"Like when you hump someone!"
"AJ, we use the word hump to describe a small hill or a camel's hump in school."
-"...yeah, or when you HUMP someone."

And my typical response to her input:  "...that's inappropriate for school."

How to Deal With Cheaters:

"I like that country song 'Two Black Cadillacs.' It's about two ladies who kill a guy 'cause he cheats on 'em....'Cept if somebody cheated on me, I wouldn't kill him. I'd just spank his butt with a cheese grater!"

How to draw an elephant....

During the first week of school, the first graders created "time capsules" as a cross-curricular math, art, and writing project.  One of the tasks they were asked to complete was to measure themselves using both nonstandard and standard forms of measurement, and then complete the following prompt:

"I am ____(shoes, chairs, paper hearts, or whatever nonstandard measurement unit they had used) tall.  This is about ____ inches tall.  Something that is as tall as me is  _____________."

Then, they drew pictures of the object that was as tall as them.

Oliver* had  real difficulty in completing this prompt.  After gathering his measurements, he sat at his desk with his head in his hands and his lower lip jutting out.  

"Oliver, can you think of something that's as tall as you in real life?" I asked as I came around.

"Yes, a baby ewephant," he grouched, sticking his lip out even further.

"Okay, well write that down and then show me how you would draw a baby elephant," I instructed.

"I can't!"  

He kicked at his desk.

"Yes, you can.  I've seen you draw before and I know you can do this," I said encouragingly. "Do you need help sounding words out?"

Oliver rolled his eyes way up to the ceiling.

"No, I CAN'T."

"Oliver, you can.  Just do your best."

He looked me dead in the eye and huffed. 

"Miss Hodges, I can't draw a baby elephant on this tiny piece of paper!"

(Except it sounded more like, "Miss Hodges, I can't dwaw a baby ewephant on this tiny piece of pape-oh!")

Husband in Training

My class studied the Salish calendar this year.  To celebrate November as Storytelling Month, we read Salish tribal tales.  Most stories featured the Coyote, who usually teaches lessons as the trickster or fool.  

In one story Coyote gets into a lot of trouble because he does not follow advice from his spouse or elders in the tribe.

After completing the read-aloud, I asked my first graders, "What's the moral of this story?"

Dylan* raised his hand and stated seriously, "ALWAYS listen to your wife, no matter WHAT."

He'll do well to remember that in the future...

An Answered Prayer

"Ready....set....GO!"

Ten little hands flipped over ten sheets of paper, and for the next three minutes, my class was hard at work on differentiated math timings.

Then..."STOP!"

"YES! I DID IT! I FINISHED MY TIMING!"

Joseph* sprang out of his chair with his timing held high above his head.

"Nof-air, how did you finish that one so fast?" a classmate asked.

Joseph turned to her earnestly. "Well, maybe you should just pray to finish it next time, like I did."

The Trouble With Boys

"Miss Hodges, are you married?"

It all started at the lunch table.

"No I'm not, AJ*.  That's why my name is 'Miss' instead of 'Mrs.'," I explained as I ate my wrap.
AJ sat silently for a minute with a furrowed brow. "Oh," she finally said.  "Well, do you have a boyfriend?"
Having recently gone through a breakup, this was a topic I cared to discuss with no one, especially someone with the probing and open-ended curiousity of a six year-old.
"No, I don't AJ. And do you know why?  Because boys have cooties," I replied sarcastically.
AJ nodded gravely and leaned in towards me. "I know," she whispered, "That's what you get when you sleep with them!"

She straightened back up. "Plus also boys snore."

"ore" is for "whore"

Last week I taught "ore" words in phonics.  I'd give the kids a minute to think of as many "real" words in that word family as they could before they shared them, crossed out words their peers already listed, and I wrote them on the board.

When one minute was up, AJ* began to read her real words to me.
"Pore, shore, more, store..." she started, and I wrote them down.

The next word out of her mouth was "whore" so I just waited for her to say the next one without writing it on the board.

She looked up, and seeing that I hadn't written her word down, said "WHORE!" again (much more emphatically).

I said firmly, "No, that's a nonsense word. What's your next word?"

She argued, "NO, it's a real word!"

"It's nonsense.  What's your next word?"

AJ huffed.  "But Miss Hodges, yes it IS A REAL WORD! You know, like 'YOU'RE A WHORE?'"

Droessler's inquiry after hearing this story:  "How does it feel to be called a 'whore' by a first grader?" Thanks, Slide.  You can go drive your bus now.

First Grade Proverbs

Yesterday I stole a lesson plan from Pinterest and had the kids finish well-known proverbs as a writing prompt.  
Below are some of their completions (what a wise class I have!):

Boys will be tall.
Boys will be okward turdles.
Boys will be stinky.
Crime does not help.
Crime does not save peple.
Curiosity killed me.
Don't count your chickens before they poop.
Don't count your chickens before they peck your....bum!
It is no use crying over a argument.
It is no use crying over bunnees.
It is no use crying over people!
Let sleeping dogs sleep.
Let sleeping dogs dream.
Look before you cross the street.
Look before you sneek in.
Scratch my back and I'll scrach my lunch box.
Scratch my back and I'll wait and wait and wait.
Those who live in glass houses should not be happy.
Those who live in glass houses should not live in thar!
Those who live in glass houses should not brake their house!!!!!
True love never loses.
True love never ends.
True love never stops!!!
Two heads are better than 100,200.
When the cat's away, the mice will eat your cheese.
When the cat's away, the mice will skrash you.
Birds of a feather kick birdes butt.
An apple a day evry day.
The early bird gets the barry.
A bird in the hand is worth a lot.
A bird in the hand is worth ten $.
A bird in the hand is worth thowsands of dollers.
A fool and his money make freinds.
A fool and his money is lost.
A fool and his money spends, spends, spends, spends, spends.
Absence makes the heart silent.
Absence makes the heart soft.
Absence makes the heart break.
Actions speak louder than dreams.
All is freedom in love and war.
All is thrills in love and war.
All work and no play makes Jack tired.
All work and no play makes Jack sad.
All work and no play makes Jack angre, anshious, and bad.
Beggars can't have enything.
Barking dogs never be quiet.